The Dating Scene Volume L: “The Talk”
Over the years I have come to understand the importance of plans and security in life. I mean think about it, life has its way of leading you down a particular road one minute then the next minute you are in a new state with a new job and a whole lot of new surrounding you. Look back 5 years did you think you would be in the situation you are in now? Probably not. So preparing ourselves as best we can allows us some sense of comfort and/or stability. When it comes to relationships, men and women go about this “plan” a little differently.
In relationships, men, for the most part, plan after six months to a year of being in a relationship. That is about the amount of time it takes a man to recognize how serious the connection is with his girlfriend. However, we plan in terms of the present. “What can I do to keep her and me happy at this moment?” “How much would it cost (in terms of time and money) to accomplish the answer to the previous question?” “What resources would I need to gain or give up in order to attain this required amount of time or money?” We drill it down to the resources at the most basic level.
Women on the other hand, take a slightly different approach to this, “plan.” And I call it, “The Talk.” After a certain age (25) and meeting the minimum requirements of time in a dating partnership, (Again, six months to a year, but sometimes sooner) an apparent itch festers amongst women that is only relieved with a scratch labeled “the talk.” What does “The Talk,” which I will continue to put in quotes, consist of? Well Mr. and Mrs inquisitive, I’ll tell ya.
It encompasses the one subject that has permeated the minds of most women since they first heard the word while simultaneously putting the fear of God in most men since they recognized its reality. That word and subject my dear friends is “Marriage.” What is it about women gently forcing the conversation upon men as a means to secure or plan the relationship? Now, I would remiss to say that at some point the conversation should take place. Especially if you meet the criteria previously discussed. But the purpose of this post is more to illuminate the male point of view of this conversation and why most are apprehensive to have it.
Generally, a man divides up relationships and/or marriage in three categories: fun, intimacy, and cost. As the relationship develops certain categories become more prominent than others and a few new ones present themselves. However, for the most part if you focus on these three you will satisfy your significant other. The stigma marriage carries is that both intimacy and fun dissipate while arguments and frustration collect into balls of flames buried deep down inside, waiting for you to take the opportune time to spit out fire at your significant other. Coinciding with the stigma of lapses in memory of the last time you two boot knocked in a fashion that would make an earthquake envious of the destruction yall caused. (hyperbolic I know, but it’s true…at least from what I hear.) So with those stigmas, of course a man would feel apprehensive about even entertaining the conversation much less the idea of marriage. But it is less about the loss of fun and intimacy that causes a man to dodge, dip, dive, duck, and dodge again the heavy words used to discuss marriage and more about the third category, cost.
As a man, innately we feel a desire to provide for our significant others. But in modern times, most folks between the ages of 20-30 are looking for a job in order to make a living for themselves. It is not selfish, it is more like survival. And the current trends tell us we will end up unemployed with tons of debt, living at home or in an unideal situation where we spend countless hours looking for ways to better ourselves. So with all that said, if a man is in this age range and is in a relationship, the conversation about marriage is nothing short of terrifying simply because, that conversation now places a mirror in front of him and reflects an unsatisfactory reality. But more importantly, HIS current reality. A reality that in no way shape or form can provide for a wife and eventually….kids *said in a faint whisper to avoid scaring anyone. In his mind, HE HAS NO BUSINESS discussing marriage and whether or not he sees it in his future because to him, HE CAN’T SEE HIS FUTURE BECAUSE OF THE MUDDINESS OF HIS REALITY. The added pressure that comes with the foretold marital lifestyle is one that he does not want, need, and most importantly can not handle due to the high chance of failure (at least at this point in his life.) Imagine if in his planning for the relationship, he realized that he needs $200/month or at least 10 -15 hours/month to satisfy the both of you. The conversation of marriage would take that $200 and 10-15 hours and magnify it to where he realized that there is NO WAY he could afford the lifestyle of marriage. And yes, we are living in modern times, it takes two to survive, but remember men instinctively feel an urge to provide for his family. After the conversation, he now knows that he is not doing enough or making enough to satisfy the future that “the talk” implies.
I always find it hilarious how disagreeing the tendencies of men and women are, which usually explain the disconnect. Between the ages of 20-30 women are concerned with starting a life with someone, their own career, and kids.*again, said in a faint whisper. Men of the same age range are concerned with building foundations and “hunting and gathering.” Finding and/or earning resources that allow him to create a world suitable for the eventual family he desires.
But all in all, I understand why women need to have this conversation as a means to scratch that itch that festers in their future thinking minds. Yall need to know if you are wasting your time. I get it. Contrastingly, though, men are focused on now and creating a now that would allow him the marriage he foresees for himself and probably you.
So ladies if you see squirmy bodies or wandering eyes when you are trying to have “the talk”, now you know why. Our actual reality does not match with the potential reality that “The talk” presents.
Lance out.
